A Dream within a Dream

Society Ill

2009-12-28T10:09:00.000-08:00

One of the main reasons I don't want health insurance is because I think it is a total waste of money. As in I pay anywhere between $50-150 a month for them to not cover anything unless something catastrophic happens. That means that my deductible would be anything $2,500 or over, generally in the $5,000 range. And while that is understandable, it is just really irritating to have to pay so much for the slight chance that something that big (medical wise) will have to come my way. Meanwhile, there would be no coverage for the basic healthcare appoints - which I need for preventative care, but don't use enough of to even qualify for a $500 deductible. And the problem of having a low deductible is that a lot of plans have a maximum of like $10,000 so that if something catastrophic were to occur, people get screwed. I looked up Health Savings Accounts because that, to me, seems like a more justified way of setting my money aside - literally - for myself if something happens. But they require a high-deductible insurance plan. So tell me again why these insurance companies are allowed to make so much money? Something is terribly wrong with this system. And for all the effort that the house/senate/president are giving, it doesn't seem like it will do anything to help.

There's a large part of me that does not want to give in and give my money to the health insurance companies. But, seeing as how I might be getting taxed in the near future for not having coverage, it might become a necessary evil. The thing is that I don't trust them. I don't trust that if something were to happen to me, they would go ahead and pay a large sum of money out to cover my bills. I've heard too many stories where they will link stuff to "pre-existing" conditions and not pay. Technically, I have a pre-existing condition that can lead to a lot of stuff. So if I get sick by one of these things am I not going to get coverage? Because it was "pre-existing"?

I'm done ranting now and will apparently continue on my quest for some kind of insurance. I just can't help but to think that there has to be a better way than this.

Sometimes we put God in a box

2009-10-26T13:46:00.000-07:00

I'm working on my lesson for John 6 today and in one of the commentaries I am reading, I've come across an interesting thought.

Jesus is getting ready to feed the five thousand people with a little boys 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. As he sees the people coming toward him, he turns to Philip, his first disciple and asks Philip where bread can be bought. Philip replies that it would take a lot of money just to have a bite for each of them. We are told that Jesus asked this to test Philip.

The commentator, Matthew Henry, lays out the whole scene, saying that Philip responds as though his master were an ordinary person. His response is logical. It was what he could grasp. He didn't consider the impossible that Jesus had shown he was capable of time and again.

This train of thought struck me because how often do we think of the logical response? How often do we wonder how in the world God is going to work something out that seems like it is impossible? How often do we limit God with what we think He can do?

Water

2008-08-27T13:11:00.000-07:00

So the RGJ had a nice little article on how the democrats would like to have a question about controlled growth in regards to water resources on the upcoming ballot. http://www.rgj.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080827/NEWS05/808270407/0/NEWS18
Here's what I don't get: apparently 31% of Republicans are in favor of this question appearing on the ballot, while 83% of Democrats are. Why such a large discrepancy? I'm not one to divide between Republican and Democrat -- we are all individuals with our own individual belief and I hate relegating people to one end or the other. But I personally think that building with the resources you have (ie water) and being able to continue to supply those resources once the structure is built is common sense. We live in a desert people. We shouldn't be stupid just becuase we want more money -- and that could lead me on to a discussion on how our economy should not rest so heavily on the housing market. But it is somewhat insane for so many Northern Nevada Counties to be selling water rights to Clark County (thank you Las Vegas) because they can't support their size with the water they have. And Washoe County is catching up. Maybe not to the point of buying other people's water, but there are some issues with outlying areas, well water usage and the new city that is being proposed.

So maybe someone on the Republican side, who isn't seeing this in the common sense way that I am, can help explain why?

2008-06-30T21:48:00.000-07:00

Life is unpredictable. No matter how hard we try to determine how things will go, it never seems to go according to "plan." Our ideas of what the world should be never seem to follow the path we have set them on.

It's good to be reminded of this. Somedays, like today, I feel as though I should be somewhere with my life other than where I am. When I see a situation that I feel unsatisfied with, ie- reality, I don't want to deal with it. I hate feeling stuck. I hate feeling as if this is it. And so I start to make plans. I set goals of where I want to be, of how I'm going to be happier because I'll be attaining this goal, and how my life will be not only more peaceful, but I will fill more fulfilled.

How easy it is to fall into this trap: That life might not contain any suffering or hard times, that life, here on earth, might somehow fulfill me. It amazes me how often I say that this world will fail to fulfill us and then forget their meaning in my own life. And that peace can not be found in the world. This world of decay and fallen dreams and diminished hopes. So why do we keep searching?

God has set eternity in the hearts of men. We long for more, because we long for perfection. For the day that the TV isn't too loud and the blinds won't rattle against the window. When the news won't tear into hearts proclaiming death and triumph of the evil of men. We are to long for this perfection so that we remember this isn't our home. We aren't supposed to be fulfilled, complete or perfect. That will be the goal accomplished at my end and that will be the day of pure joy in attaining it. And it will be by no work of my own.

Easy Button

2008-03-19T12:14:00.000-07:00

Taxes and insurance are two things I don't like to think about. As in, my brain begins to shut down as soon as I try to converse or read something pertaining to either item. I would like to think that with my college degree, I have the capacity to tackle both without shutting down. Being an English major, I assume that I have learned how to read and critically at that. Yet, I've given up on the idea of doing my own taxes. It helps when I can get a CPA to do it for free, but honestly, I just don't understand what they are asking for in those little boxes.
And insurance... It's been almost a year since I've been out of school now and almost a year without health insurance. Since I work for small business owners, they don't provide insurance. And since I believe that spending over a $125 a month with an insanley high deductible I won't meet is a waste of money, I've opted out of gaining health isurance. For the last couple of months though, I've come to the conclusion that I will get some sort of catastorphe insurance that basically will cover me if I end up in the hospital or need surgery etc..; Afterall, I would prefer to not end up in bankruptcy court. And so I have been looking to see if I can find a plan that is reasonably priced and will cover what I need. What I'm finding is that it's not so simple for them to tell me what will be covered for what I pay. Apparently insurance doesn't always fully cover hospital bills. They may only cover 20 or 30%, which honestly isn't very much when there's a $20,000 bill. And I'm sure there may be issues on what is considered surgery or some other loopholes that could be made. And to me, this is all overwhelming and messy with a certain amount of commitment in it. I would rather not deal with it than get into something over my head. But when I start to think about it, what I need it for is something I would rather not deal with either and having the insurance would make it much easier to handle if anything were to happen.
Where's the "easy" button when needed?

Fish of the Sea

2008-03-07T19:36:00.000-08:00

It amazes me that though I can barely breath through my nose, I can smell everything. At the grocery store there were some wonderfully fragrant flowers, at home there is the distinct smell of cooked fish and a cat box that needs to be changed (so not my turn). And so I realized something when I came home. I don't think I'm going to start eating fish. I have been thinking about it for awhile, just because it is so good for you and it's not something I crave, so I wouldn't be in danger of eating too much of it. The main problem is that I never ate fish when I was a meat eater. I can remember 3 times distinctly in my life, 4 if you include young childhood. And I think there was a bad time with shrimp, which I realize isn't fish, but still water food. Except for Tuna Fish. I did eat that every once in awhile. But there definitley was mayo and pickle juice and dill and anything else I could think of to cover the fishy taste. Um, so I think that's it for today.

Today

2008-02-23T19:49:00.000-08:00

For all of you who don't know: It's snowing. Good. We have an inch at least at the apt. already, which I wasn't sure I'd make it here, but my little car is a good car and made it up the hill with minimal sliding and a lot of persuading.

So backing up to earlier today, I had the pleasure of partaking in the Democratic County Delegate Convention. I'm a new Democrat, wouldn't consider myself a strong Democrat and somehow I was "elected", more or less, to represent the people from my precinct for my nominee. So today I showed up at 9:00 and didn't leave until 6:30 -- honestly longer than I stay at work -- and I am tired. They were still not done. There was voting on the platform and committee members and I'm sure they won't be done until 8 or so.

Imagine a conducted chaos/babysitting service of almost 2,000 adults. I was amazed at how some people were not understanding instructions or motions or amendments. It could be explained a number of times and yet someone would stand up to the microphone either commenting completely on another line of thought or ask for an explanation again. The MC did a good job. There were times he was frustrated, but he rolled with everything well and had humour with the whole situation. Actually many of us had humour. I think if I didn't find any of it funny, I would have been the angriest person there. There was actually a whole little debate on how if there weren't enough Edwards' alternates, the remaining alottment for Edwards would be divided 50/50 between Clinton and Obama. The Obama people preferred proportional division, because they would have more and the Clinton people were happy with the 50/50 split because they would get more delegates that way. Ahh...the beauty of the political process at work.
And just for the record, I think it's a tad bit screwed up. We go to the caucus and delegates are elected based on percentages of people supporting a nominee rather than each "vote" counting. So in my precinct, Obama and Edwards both won one delegate while there was actually 10 people for Obama and 5 for Edwards. That's the first thing that bugs me a bit. The second is that I had the opprotunity to switch my vote 2 times today. So electing a delegate does not guarantee that that delegate will represent the people who elected them. Does anyone else see while this may be a bit off?

I was also amazed at how many people I knew at the convention today. Of course I didn't talk with any of them, because I can be quite good at ignoring people...not the best thing ever, I know. But there were three profs from the UNR History dept., 2 of which I've had, the other I've been to a few of her lectures. There was 2 people from one of those classes with one of the profs. and one I knew in High School. And then there were a ton of customers from the bank! It was pretty funny in a way. And it's weird when you know bits and pieces of people and see them in a different setting.

I'm glad I'm home now. I think this was a good experience, but not one I will probably do again. I'm pretty content with just voting.

Good Morning World...

2008-02-15T09:58:00.000-08:00

It's good to remember sometimes that I am alive. I am alive in spirit and in body...despite my thinking otherwise at times. This life opens up before us like a meadow. Sometimes there may be mountains on the horizon that we may need to climb, but the view is usually worth it -- the completion, the accomplishment, the beauty we behold from the top, makes all the sweat and pain worth it. When we are in the forests surrounded by tall trees, unable to see where our path is going, we can take in the glorious detail of the bark, the pine needles, the single flower that may be defiantly standing amongst its much taller brethren. This life is beautiful. I am beautiful. Because I was wonderfully and fearfully made. And I am not done yet. I am still alive.

Random

2008-02-08T22:31:00.000-08:00

The following are more or less random thoughts put together in a hopefully coherent blog:

~~~I am allergic to something and I don't know what.... well at least beyond all the other allergies. This one has been attacking the skin and I am so flippin' itchy! I honestly think that this might be a great form of torture. Just put on some itching powder and tie up a person's hands...or maybe even let them scratch themselves raw -- they're both equally insane. Anyways, I've already been to the doctor once and it's been away for less than a week. Basically, I think there's a problem....and it's leading to other problems...which is leading to a nice piece of bitterness within me. ~~~

~~~Thought of the day: I've got Jesus and mace. Jesus for the ghosts (aka evil spirits) and mace for the creeps. Ahh...modern society.~~~

~~~Death had a field day today (and last night). Five people died when someone stormed a city council meeting on Thursday night. Another college shooting occured this morning killing three. A blast at a sugar refinery also killed 3 (latest count I saw). And this is ended the week where tornado's ripped through part of the mid-west, five woman were taken hostage and then killed at a Lane Bryant in the Great Lakes region, two different police standoffs where at least one person was killed (I think...it might only be one) Anyways, the theme here is not only death but people being killed in violent, unnatural ways. And if you wonder why I'm no longer an optimist, here you go. ~~~

~~~Darren Mack's nickname (as seen on CNN.com): Mack the Knife

I don't know if I should be amused or appalled. ~~~

Stuffed Animals

2008-02-05T21:56:00.001-08:00

This morning my mom called asking me what I wanted to do with my boxes in her garage. I told her to get rid of them because I knew it would take me forever to go through them, I would be worried about spiders and in the end, I wouldn't give all of it away. Besides I didn't remember anything I had in those boxes.
But today I'm at the copying machine and I remember my stuffed yellow rabbit is in one of those boxes. The one with the loose neck that's about ready to lose it's head. My dad used to grab it by the neck and move it's head while the "rabbit" talked to me. And I hadn't remembered that....probably since when I packed those boxes at 16. I don't want to lose that memory, to forget it again. I want my rabbit!
And just now, while typing all of this out, I remembered another thing in the box. I had this little teddy bear that I named "MacGyver" because I was absolutely in love with him at the age of four. I remember taking him out to the kitchen to introduce him to my parents.
I don't remember things. I can remember random facts and some odd details, but my own personal journey through this life is a bit bleary, especially my childhood. And so I've been a bit overcome today by the reappearance of some of these long lost memories.
It's as if there is a break in my life. It occured right around my parent's divorce where they changed quickly into different people and my world changed right along with it. So there's this younger me and then older me. I'm not sure if it's like this for everyone. If there is some point of growing up that you just kind of switch from this little girl to an older girl. It's like these memories of the younger me aren't really mine at all. They belong to her and yet, I carry them inside of me...

Finally!

2008-02-04T22:20:00.000-08:00

It just took me like an hour to figure out how to link other people's blogs to my own. But I did it! And I did it through research, rather than calling someone to tell me how to do it. Calling may have been easier, but I think I just learned a lot more...
Yes, another exciting blog about my computer illiteracy.

2007-10-26T14:48:00.000-07:00

"What are you doing?", is a question I ask myself throughout the day. Some days it is over the little stuff, like learning all the web happy terminology

that I seem so far behind on. Other times it's the big

stuff, life-wise whatever. Anyways, my goal is to try

and upload a picture onto my account. Apparently posting it on a blog first does something.

So, here goes nothing...

Today

2007-10-18T12:46:00.000-07:00

Headline from Reno-Gazette Journal today reads, "Biologists say taking food to bears not a good move". Really? I would hope that even a person with limited intelligence and deductive skills could realize that feeding the bears does not send them on their way. Rather, it invites these lovely animals closer to their homes. I also love the fact that we apparently need biologists to tell us this. Also on the front page: "Get a fur or leather coat at a bargain price" the proceeds of which benefit charity. Opposite from this blurb: "Protest Coverage. Three Women stood in their underwear across from Reno City Hall on Wed. for People for Ethical Treatment of Animals. Their purpose...was to dissuade poeple from buying fur, leather and wool coats this winter."

Year long wait

2007-10-17T16:34:00.000-07:00

A year doesn't seem like such a long time sometimes. Yet, in many ways, it does. When I begin to think of all that has occurred in a year, that space of time seems to grow. I've graduated from college, have begun trying to figure out some kind of future plans career-wise and am learning all about insurance and over-qualification in life. I would like to think that I have grown and changed in good ways. To an extent that is true. I've taken more risks, like doing my first (and second) poetry reading, even trying for the poetry writing class was a risk for me. I had to submit work and be "judged". As fearful as I was, I took that step. I've begun to teach Jr. Higher Sunday school, another place I never thought I would find myself, and now I have my first internship. At the same time, I am still me, my thoughts and views haven't grown as much as they have in the past. In some ways I am finally feeling like I am starting to even out more and I am glad about that. It's interesting to be on the brink of adulthood. While I would like to think I've already made that leap, at times I know I'm still seen as young. I have begun to realize that adulthood isn't so much a leap as it is a journey.

Rationality

2006-09-01T14:33:00.000-07:00

Emotions are overrated.
Yet how they drive me through life.
They keep me walking when I want to stop. They let me feel hope that i've so long ago lost. They let me cry when life becomes too much. Somehow they keep me sane while driving me to the edge.
While I'm wary of places that force me to feel, i realize how much setting can impact. An amazing soul has been created, woven with our bodies, balancing between mind and heart, reality and a dream.

Patterns

2006-08-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

Lives woven like rugs. Pushed together and apart through steps we take as individuals. We meet again, catch up- where we are now, remember then. Reminiscing what once was, wondering what will be, where this rug will end, how it will be completed. And one day we can look down and see the pattern perfectly knit with our lives.

into the deep

2006-06-29T23:20:00.000-07:00

run away
into my mind
following the dark tunnel
behind my eyes
take me away from this
reality.

not strong enough
not to crumble.
not callus enough
not to feel the prick of my pride.
warm blood running down

i run with it
into the dark
no can see me...
see my fear
my failure
my desire.

To be that Woman...

2006-06-09T21:54:00.000-07:00

I hope that if I ever fall in love I will be willing to give it up. I don't ever want to be the woman who is so determined to have what she wants that she hurts so many people. I don't ever want to be so selfish. I just hope that I could love enough to do what is best for that person and the people he loves the most. Eleven years ago and the pain is still there. Consequences for actions continue to occur, people are continually hurt. Why would I ever want to put any one else through that? Why should I step over everyone else just for my own happiness/desires? How hard forgiveness is to give over and over. The wounds keep re-opening with a word, an action, another picture taken off the wall, erasing us from the family. The one that is newly created, that is held together with hostility. Hostility from us who are supposed to clean but not go on vacation, who are supposed to think we matter to more than one person in that house. I don't fit. I've known that for a long time, i've gotten over it. It just makes me sick to see the same thing happening to my sister and to know that the beginnings are happening to the other one, the one that is HER child. My heart breaks for them and it hardens for her, the woman who has gotten everything she's wanted and is still not happy.

bald headed frog

2006-06-01T23:55:00.000-07:00

I looked at my profile to update and they wanted me to tell a story about a bald headed frog and a wig. So I did. It was too long. But rather than let my glorious energies go to waste, the story is here for you to read. I really have no idea what I was writing, it is late and I am tired, but maybe when I look back at it later, I'll like it anyway. I hope you do to.

Frogs are known for their ugliness and this one was definantly not an exception. The frog felt so bad about his appearence that he decided a wig would make him appear much more attractive - especially for that pretty girl he was trying to get to kiss him. So one day the frog hops along into a wig store and tries to find one that would match his pond green skintone. Lo and behold the last wig of twenty he puts on his head is a gorgeous auburn that blends perfectly with his complexion, and so, with the wig placed perfectly on his head, the frog hops once more to his sitting rock by the pond and waits for his pretty girl to pass. One, two, three days go by and the girl takes no notice of the frog or his new wig. The frog, resigned to his lonley state, looks at his reflection in the water and off the wig slips into the depths never to be seen again. After days of depression the frog begins to realize that he must accept his fate and be content with where he is at. Much to his suprise, after this state of contentment seeps into his soul, the girl notices him. No, she is not attracted by the wig, she instead notices his peaceful confidence and satisfaction of where he is at in life. Overcome with emotion, the girl swoops down, picks up the frog exclaiming, "what a cute little frog" gives it a kiss and magically the frog stayed a frog! Settling him back down on the rock, the girl walks away happy about the new frog friend she made and the frog sighs with contentment that he will be a frog forever. Somewhere along the line he lost his desire to be human. Here, by the pond, he just got to sit around, enjoy the sun, wait for food and go swimming (not to mention naps of course) no time schedule or money to abide by. And so the story of our wigged bald frog comes to an end with a moral of being content with things that we can not change. In the end, we might not want them to anyway.

Perpetual Confusion

2006-05-22T21:29:00.000-07:00

...which leads me to ask - If one is perpetually confused, may they, in a sense, then be less confused because it is a constant state of being for them? Sooner or later the life that is being led day in and day out has to make sense or else the living part would be too confusing. Thus one is not necessairly confused, they just are who they are proceeding with thoughts whose conclusions will remain unknown.
The LSATs. While I'm not confused about the tests or its contents, the test questions have propelled me into a wasted land of analyzation to the extreme. I'm starting to get weird looks for comments made about the circle of life (or lack there of), my mind, being so focused on the large abstract, is forgetting the simple things in life, like the use of a phone. And so I've run away into the world of Anne of Green Gables. I love this book. I have always enjoyed the movies, but have never read the series through. I can relate to her. Not in the way that she is an orphan, or lives in Canada, or the fact that it takes place over 1oo years ago, or that she lives in farm country with blossiming trees and brooks and flowers, or that I've been adopted by an old brother and sister who never married--basically the whole plot part has nothing to do with me. But the character of this girl is closely aligned with my soul. I am drawn into a world that is definently from the Romantic Era. Lines like "my life is a graveyard of hopes" or that nature takes such a presidence or the drama of living and dying. It makes me so happy. My escape from life of confusion.
In all honesty I was okay with not understanding what I thought on Sunday morning. I even said "sometimes it's okay to be confused. I think it's needed for one not to know what they think." But by later on Sunday, my lack of conclusion spread its wings further into my life covering me from the least bit of clarity. At this point I'm not even sure what began my lack of understanding. I'm simply marching through the paces of my day without fulling comprehending the involvment of my being. I want to sit out, away from the living, to simply be alone until I feel resolved.

dark inside

2006-05-11T22:16:00.000-07:00

stringy hair, dusty feet
all i can do is think of
the white swirled with silver like
shimmery pearls sliced
on the windsheild while the car wash
layers, enclosing me in
the whiteness.
The car lights up and
daylight breaks in surrounding me
all alone, set apart from the world
inside.
horrible, darkness glaring blatantly
in the light, discovering me as real
as messed up, as here.
wet cheeks is show for what is
inside.

Little Duckies

2006-04-30T13:23:00.000-07:00

I like ducks. For some reason I think they are tremendously cute. This is probably taking any crediablity away from them by me saying this. But I love how the group. A lot like wild horses, the bacholers stay together and the mommys and daddys have little duckies and they all wadle together. I like the quack too! It gets me everytime.
In light of my newfound discovery of enjoyment of ducks, I must add them to the list of cows and daffadils as a smile creeps across my face.

As For...

2006-04-24T22:54:00.000-07:00

Annoyance sets in. Must the talking occur on a nightly basis? Must I listen to the giggle and gasp, the joy of listening to another's words? Oddly enough, I'm not jealous. I don't wish for my own giggle and gasp companion. And maybe that's what's so frustrating. I just want quiet. Even with someone, I would just want quiet. No bubbling over on a nightly basis at an hour when people should be sleeping, but one of restfulness and peace.

As for the others. The confusion sets in. I hate questioning the truth. I would rather be told what's really going on than some hidden excuse. It would feel better to know than to pretend not to. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to bring it up or if I should. So I back off in my usual manner of losing friends and wait to see the gap grow bigger and deeper. All I want is the truth. It hurts sometimes, I know. It's hard to say, to see the other one hurting, offended, but it's better than the lie.

And for you. I hate how you point things out that strike me. And I love it. You make me think, analyze as I love to do, and through the pain, I grow. I become better, I try harder. Trust. The battle that goes on constantly as I watch my trust in others get crushed and my lack of trust in some hinder. The fear of rejection as I step into myself tries to hold me back, but you push me forward to something, somewhere I don't know. So I try to value this and not become attached because it's not my place to be attached and running away won't work this time like it hasn't worked before. Through this all, I am realizing my need for people, but the dependence on God alone, a precarious balance that i'm not sure how to do.

As for me. Stop. Breath.

Sister's #s

2006-04-17T01:02:00.000-07:00

It snowed today of all days. And it continues to snow outside. The roads are icy, glazed over all white. My sister is still out. She ditched the family dinner to hang out with her little boy-#1 thing that annoys me. For three and a half hours I tried to reach her, worrying because I didn't know where she was, the snow kept falling and she wouldn't answer her phone-#2. Her cat then decides to become the biggest crackhead in the world. She has been meowing and freaking out all over the place and I'm thinking she's going into heat, something that should have been fixed awhile ago, but supposed to be done tommorrow-#3. Except that my sister doesn't seem to have the cat kennel she needs nor the money to buy one since both her wallet and purse are here. Is my sister worried? I don't think so. Mainly because she's not the one whose had to make sure all the food is up and deal with the crazy howling cat because she's as the stupid little boys house-#4. And so, my sister finally calls me back after me calling Bruce and him driving over to the boys house to make sure she's okay and she just says, "oh I didn't have my phone with me." Anger within me begins to spill over and I'm half yelling half crying into the phone. She just tells me she's all right and she'll be home soon. I tell her she needs to grow up and taking responsibility and looking out the flippin window because it's only been snowing all day-#5. Now over an hour has passed and this wonderful sister of mine still hasn't made an appearence-#6. She also keeps telling me she wants another cat, this time a white one. I'm not becoming a cat lady. Apparently she has a hard enough time doing what needs to be done with this one and I'm not getting another smelly, albeit entertaining, animal in this house, unless it is a snake.

School projects...

2006-04-15T17:43:00.000-07:00

Anxiety. Overwhelming ideas keep persuing my brains. I'm involved in two coinciding research projects. One- Our (societis) obsession with death didn't end with the Romantic period. It has continued with our own modes of media penetrating into almost everything we watch, read or hear. But the obsession is viewed differently now than it was over 100 years ago. In all a very interesting and large topic that I'm trying to make smaller while balancing #2- Red guard literature from China. Those who lived through the Cultural Revolution, primarily concerning re-education. I'm going to make the argument that you can learn from literature, but need to be careful in doing so, due to the easy manipulation of words and drama of fiction. Another interesting topic that will be much easier to do, except for the 5 or so extra books I need to try to get through. Not too mention a book report that is due on Monday and I just picked the book up today, and another 5 page paper due Thursday in my woman's lit class. So I must ask what am I doing on the computer? Instead of procrastinating (a special talent of mine) I am going to do my reading now...

Smell

2006-03-25T03:16:00.000-08:00

There is a smell coming from my kitchen. Dishes that have been left for two weeks, food still stuck to them, leaves this awkward oder. My anger starts to rise everytime I walk into the kitchen, to see yet another meal made, yet no clean up committed. I'm almost out of conditioner. Half used by someone else. She said she'd by me more, but I don't see any. The toilet paper is almost gone. Another thing to apparently fall into my lap. And now at three in the morning, I can't sleep because my anger won't let me. I dwell on lack of responsibility and laziness and wonder how much longer I can last...

failing words

2006-03-22T21:38:00.000-08:00

My words fail me in what i want to say, what i want to scream.
Do we not see? Can we not hear?
The voices of the children from all over the world cry out
in hunger, in anguish, in fear.
And what is it that we do?
Buy another car, another house, go grocery shopping, throwing out the old food to replace with freshness.

What the hell am I doing? Nothing. I long to give, to help and yet I talk with no action. I talk to tell others, to promote them to doing. My doing will be in the future. But maybe my doing should start now.

My words fail me. They don't give justice to what I want to say. Eventually it will come-- in action, in emotion, in love.

What the Hype about Marriage

2006-03-18T13:13:00.000-08:00

Marriage is too hyped up. A combination of my parent's divorce and their marriages henceforce as well as my observation of too many couples in angry, spiteful relationships have shown me this. There is this idea of someone completing you, they will make everything all right and they will be there. But there's still loneliness. No matter how well you think someone knows you or loves you, one day you'll wake up and realize that they don't, that you don't even know yourself. Companionship is great, but it's also good to be alone sometimes. It might be scary-- you see things within yourself you wished you didn't. You have to come to terms with who you are, the real you, not the image that's put on in front of everyone else. Some people are better at being alone than others. That I realize and respect. We are all quite different. And that's why I think marriage is hard. It takes a lot of work. You are living with someone that is from a different background than you. They have a different way of doing things. Their cleanliness level may be way different than yours. The heat may be set at different tempatures for different people.
I haven't been married and so I'm sure there are people who don't agree with what I'm saying. But I have had roommates and have learned from my joys and sorrows of them. And like I said in the begginning, very few couples I meet are happy in their marriage. Why do so many end in divorce? I don't know if I'll get married. If I do, I understand that it takes work and it's not perfect. How could it be? We aren't perfect. But until the day of my maybe wedding comes, I will enjoy being single. I will enjoy my freedom and peace. I will love that I am my own person through and through and that my first name won't be combined with another's to form one.