into the deep

run away
into my mind
following the dark tunnel
behind my eyes
take me away from this
reality.

not strong enough
not to crumble.
not callus enough
not to feel the prick of my pride.
warm blood running down

i run with it
into the dark
no can see me...
see my fear
my failure
my desire.

To be that Woman...

I hope that if I ever fall in love I will be willing to give it up. I don't ever want to be the woman who is so determined to have what she wants that she hurts so many people. I don't ever want to be so selfish. I just hope that I could love enough to do what is best for that person and the people he loves the most. Eleven years ago and the pain is still there. Consequences for actions continue to occur, people are continually hurt. Why would I ever want to put any one else through that? Why should I step over everyone else just for my own happiness/desires? How hard forgiveness is to give over and over. The wounds keep re-opening with a word, an action, another picture taken off the wall, erasing us from the family. The one that is newly created, that is held together with hostility. Hostility from us who are supposed to clean but not go on vacation, who are supposed to think we matter to more than one person in that house. I don't fit. I've known that for a long time, i've gotten over it. It just makes me sick to see the same thing happening to my sister and to know that the beginnings are happening to the other one, the one that is HER child. My heart breaks for them and it hardens for her, the woman who has gotten everything she's wanted and is still not happy.

bald headed frog

I looked at my profile to update and they wanted me to tell a story about a bald headed frog and a wig. So I did. It was too long. But rather than let my glorious energies go to waste, the story is here for you to read. I really have no idea what I was writing, it is late and I am tired, but maybe when I look back at it later, I'll like it anyway. I hope you do to.

Frogs are known for their ugliness and this one was definantly not an exception. The frog felt so bad about his appearence that he decided a wig would make him appear much more attractive - especially for that pretty girl he was trying to get to kiss him. So one day the frog hops along into a wig store and tries to find one that would match his pond green skintone. Lo and behold the last wig of twenty he puts on his head is a gorgeous auburn that blends perfectly with his complexion, and so, with the wig placed perfectly on his head, the frog hops once more to his sitting rock by the pond and waits for his pretty girl to pass. One, two, three days go by and the girl takes no notice of the frog or his new wig. The frog, resigned to his lonley state, looks at his reflection in the water and off the wig slips into the depths never to be seen again. After days of depression the frog begins to realize that he must accept his fate and be content with where he is at. Much to his suprise, after this state of contentment seeps into his soul, the girl notices him. No, she is not attracted by the wig, she instead notices his peaceful confidence and satisfaction of where he is at in life. Overcome with emotion, the girl swoops down, picks up the frog exclaiming, "what a cute little frog" gives it a kiss and magically the frog stayed a frog! Settling him back down on the rock, the girl walks away happy about the new frog friend she made and the frog sighs with contentment that he will be a frog forever. Somewhere along the line he lost his desire to be human. Here, by the pond, he just got to sit around, enjoy the sun, wait for food and go swimming (not to mention naps of course) no time schedule or money to abide by. And so the story of our wigged bald frog comes to an end with a moral of being content with things that we can not change. In the end, we might not want them to anyway.